5 weeks ago...

I wondered what it would be like to hold my new baby in my arms.
Crazy how fast time goes by. I only have 5 more weeks to be home with her every day until the summer gets here. Being on maternity leave has really spoiled me, especially since my recovery was so very fast. It's been nice to be home during the Holidays, although the time is FLYING by. Sad and scary.
I'm just trying to figure out how to get everything done, and this is before I'm gone working a job. Laundry usually takes me a couple days to get done. Finding time to spend with God is a challenge. Some days, I can barely find time for a shower. But I'm a new mom and this is what all new moms face. I'm very thankful to have such a helpful and supportive husband who never complains. I can most definitely learn a lesson or two from him. Ok, let's be honest, I can learn SO MUCH from him. Which is why I thank God every day for making someone so perfect for me!
Addy is a joy. She really is an easy baby, but she has her challenging moments too. There are days where she just fusses and well, those are not fun times. But for the most part, she's easy going and that makes me world a bit easier.
Our Thanksgiving was so low key and it was great. We spent it with Aaron's parents. We ate and sat around on the couch. It was so relaxed. And now we are gearing up for one crazy December. At least we got our Christmas up and some shopping already started. My brother is coming in 2 weeks for a few days and then Aaron's brother is coming in from Pakistan after Christmas. Neither of our brothers have met Addyson yet so that will be so much fun.
Addy is still so little, most of her clothes aren't fitting very well. As much as I want her to stay little, I am also ready for her to grow a bit. But she's doing great. We are working on that schedule and I have hopes that soon, we'll have it all figured out. She is going longer intervals at night which is nice. There have been a few nights where she did a 7 hour stretch. Oh so nice!
All in all, I am loving being a little family. Our baby is amazing. Our puppy is awesome. My husband is the best. I am one very happy and content woman!

Thanksgiving is when????

Seriously, it's next week? Ohmygosh. I cannot believe it! Seems like all I do these days is make lists and more lists... Christmas card lists, gift lists, grocery lists.... my life is currently all about lists. It's the only way I can stay organized.
We've passed the 3 week mark. My little girl is just too advanced. She's been trying to hold her head up since like day one and tries to roll over. I love to hear her talking to the ceiling fan or her black and white bedding. It's so sweet and makes me smile. But let me tell you, this child has some very dramatic moments. Aaron and I just laugh but seriously, can you say DRAMA. We are surviving the sleep depravation thing but it's not without it's difficulties. I often find myself having these "DUH!" moments and it's driving me crazy. We've survived going out, and are getting good at it when someone is with me. By myself has it's own challenges, simply because I only have 2 hands. She is an easy baby, which is a blessing. But she is a baby and it's hard at times. We are working on routines and I'm learning her little schedule. All in all, she makes us so happy and our hearts have truly melted.
I love being in the other room, listening to Aaron sing songs to her. It's so sweet and I treasure all these special moments.
We had a newborn photoshoot today and I cannot wait to see the pictures. I know there are some really great ones!
Looking forward to a busy but great weekend. Aaron's BFF and his fiance are coming to visit and we are going to have a blast. Can't wait to meet her and already feel like we are great friends, even though it happened over the phone and FB.
My mom came to visit for a week and I am glad she was able to spend some time with Addy. Aaron's parents are all moved into their condo in our subdivision. His dad is doing well which is so good to see. Not sure what we will do for Thanksgiving. I don't want to cook anything and I know his mom doesn't want to either. We'll see where we end up.
On a sad note, my sweet puppy is at the vet as we speak. Apparently he has an abscessed anal gland, ouch and gross, and I feel terrible for him. He's been miserable these past few days...
Anyways, brief updates on our world. Baby is crying, time to eat... AGAIN.

Birth Story and more...

It's been 8 days since our world changed forever. Just thinking about it makes me cry. I cannot believe how much I can love such a tiny little person. She's amazing. She's a part of Aaron and I. She's a gift from God and I am so awed by the magnitude of His gift.
I know everyone that I haven't talked to already is dying to hear our birth story. The longer I wait to write it out, the events seem to slip further and further from my mind. It's interesting to hear my midwife team and even Aaron share their view points because it's so different from what I remember. But here goes.
My due date was Oct. 23rd. I had a few weeks of steady Braxton Hicks but when my midwife would check me, no dilation. My cervix was soft and I had some external dilation but nothing internal. So we went for an ultrasound a few days before my due date just to check positioning. She was head down, but not fully engaged. This news was so frustrating to me. I was SO READY. I was already out all week before my due date on Fall Break so I just decided to get over it and enjoy the last few days of it. It had been a good week, despite feeling anxious about Addy's arrival. I had cried and even pleaded with God about her coming but nope... nothing. So I just enjoyed a week of no work, no baby. Just Aaron and I. We visited his Dad in the hospital. We played Wii. We ate out. We just hung out. And I kept trying to make Addy come out. Seriously, I was doing ALL the things they say to do to help bring on labor. I drank raspberry tea. I used Primrose Oil. We walked miles. I ate spicy food. I was doing it all...
Well Oct. 23rd came and went. I'm embarrassed to say I had a pity party and I'm sure God was like, "really Sarah?" 40 weeks is such a long time to be pregnant. And to know that you won't be induced unless you go to 42 weeks makes it even harder.
I woke up the next morning and had bloody show. Funny how that happens. I knew that it was going to happen within the next day or two. I watched football on my birth ball aka exercise ball. We decided to go for another walk that evening and came back home to watch a movie. About halfway through the movie, the contractions started up. Nothing too intense but consistent. I decided to take a bath before bed since water helps relax me and it did help a little. We went to bed but I slept very little. The contractions kept coming and they were getting stronger. About 1 am, Aaron text our midwife and she headed over to the house. She checked on me, said this was the real deal, told us to sleep and she went to sleep on our couch. It was storming really bad that night. And apparently the weather changes help make babies come. Who knew?
I used my Hypnobabies relaxation techniques through the contractions and it really did help. About 5 am, I got back in our bathtub and stayed in it for about an hour. The rest of the midwife team arrived shortly after that and Aaron filled up the birthing tub. I think I was at 4 cm by that point. I got in the tub and OH it felt soooo good. I labored in and out of the birthing tub for most of the day. I got to 7 cm pretty easily and quickly. I relaxed and breathed through my contractions. i was ready to have this baby. Well, I guess I was too relaxed in the tub because my contractions weren't very close together and we weren't really getting anywhere. So I had to get out. And I labored throughout the house. Poor Aaron was such a trooper. He made my team breakfast and lunch. He sat with me. He poured water on my back while I was in the tub. When I was out, he followed me throughout the house. He was exhausted and he would drift off to sleep here and there but I didn't get mad. I knew he needed it.
So, anyways here it was evening and not much going on. My midwife decided to go ahead and break my water since it hadn't happened yet. I was at about 9 cm by that point and then we started pushing. I was back in the birth tub since I was most comfortable there. The only problem was the contractions were just too far apart. I would push during contractions, Addy would move down a bit but then would go back up since they were so far apart. So it was back out of the tub. I didn't like getting out, the contractions were way more intense out of the water. For 6 hours I pushed and pushed. I pushed in a squatting position, I pushed on my hands and knees. Aaron was such an amazing birth partner, encouraging me along the way. I was so mentally and physically exhausted. We were making a little progress but seriously? And by this point, I forgot all about my relaxation techniques. I was just too tired to even think about. And to make matters worse, I got sick and vomited a lot. And my dear husband who cannot stand vomit, held the bucket for me. At least he did the first time. He was such a trooper. At about 5 hours into pushing, they suggested I get in the shower since water helped me but the gravity of standing would help bring her down more. It was hard to stand up straight so they brought in my birth ball. I went to sit down on it in the shower and it rolled out from under me. I fell flat on my butt in the shower. But I believe this was totally a God thing. You see, we think now that my pelvis healed a bit weird after the accident which made it harder for Addy to find her way out. She actually came out a bit sideways. Which is why the labor was so long. But the force of vomiting and then falling on my butt helped push her around whatever it was that was keeping her back. After the fall, and everyone came running into the bathroom, they moved me to the bed and the contractions kept coming ONE AFTER ANOTHER. I have never in my life pushed so hard for anything. It was crazy. I wanted to give up so bad. They kept telling me how strong I was. They encouraged me and kept me going. Aaron quoted scriptures to me as I cried and wanted to give up. At one point, I got to feel her head and I think this is what pushed me on. I was flat on my back, with Aaron holding my head and shoulders and 2 of the team holding my legs. I was SO tired. And I kept saying how tired I was. It was weird. I felt like I was dreaming, and I kept thinking to myself, I know this is a bad dream and I'm going to wake up soon. My midwife was AMAZING and she had to help hold Addy's head in the birth canal so it would come out straight, not all tilted. I remember when she was right there, right at the place before she is born. I could feel her! I remember letting a contraction build and then pushing with everything I had in me. It was amazing. I felt her head and shoulder pop out at the same time. I thought for sure I had ripped wide open. But no! I had one tiny tear that happened during all the pushing and it didn't even need a stitch. As son as she was born, she started crying and her eyes were wide open. They immediately put her to my chest and I did skin to skin bonding with her. I just laid there and held my beautiful child. Aaron and I talked to her. Once she was on my chest, she immediately stopped crying. She knew her Mommy! :)
I birthed the placenta and shortly after that, they helped me in the shower. They did a newborn assessment on Addy and then gave her to Aaron as they looked me over and inspected my tear. Aaron took Addy downstairs and spent some time praying over her and just bonding with her. Such a precious time that he loves to talk about and I know he will never forget.
She was born at 2:40am on October 26th and she was perfectly healthy. She weighed 7 pounds, 2 ounces and was 20 and 1/2 inches long. I was in labor for around 27 hours give or take a few hours. As I've discussed the labor and birth with my 2 midwives, they have told me how strong I am. My one midwife Kimberly told me she has never seen a birth like that and she's been birthing babies a long time. She told me that she has never worked so hard to get a baby out, and she has never cried as much at a birth. It's funny because I feel like I was a wimp. I know I cried and begged and said over and over again that I couldn't do it. But to hear Aaron and the team tell me how amazing I was is truly remarkable.
I DO NOT regret doing it at home, even though it didn't go as planned. We all know that I had I been in the hospital, they would have c-sectioned me. After I fell in the shower and Aaron was helping me out, I remember telling him, let's just go to the hospital be done. He told me no. Kimberly had already told him that she knew I could do this. Yes it had been long and hard but she knew I had it in me.
The 6 hours of pushing helped stretch everything which is why I barely even tore. Had a hospital let me deliver vaginally, which is very slim, they would have done a huge episiotomy. So thankful we didn't go.
After the midwife team left that morning, Aaron and I looked at each other and then at our baby and well, we didn't know what to do. Babies don't come with instruction manuals. So we ate and went to sleep for a few hours. I was up moving around in a few hours. My bottom was sore, and I took Advil for 2-3 days. But I seriously felt amazing for pushing out a baby for as long as I did. I am a huge believer in natural birth now that I've done it. And if I can do it, anyone can. I'm a wimp when it comes to stuff and I do like medicine. But to actually FEEL the miracle of birth is something I wont forget. Not because it was AWFUL but because it changed me. I know there are no excuses for me to give up and quit at things anymore. I did this! I let my body and my baby do all the work and yeah, I had to work very hard but it was so worth it. It truly was the hardest thing I have ever done but it was the more rewarding.
I hold my one week old infant and I thank God every day for blessing us with such a beautiful baby. She's such a good baby and we are so in love with her. Aaron is a wonderful Daddy and she has him wrapped around her little finger. :) She's changing so much already and a part of me is sad because I want her to stay tiny forever.
She had her first newborn checkup this week and she's perfect. :)
We are tired but it's so worth it. We are in love with her and no matter how tired you feel, you can't help but smile when she makes her little noises and faces. Like I said, our world changed forever when Addyson Grace arrived. It will never be the same and I am so ok with that!
(I apologize for how sparatic this blog entry is. I'm trying to get all my thoughts out and it's a jumbled mess.)

Middle of the Night Ponderings...

It's almost 3 am and I've been tossing and turning for the past 2 hours. Who knows why I can't fall back asleep. I literally cannot turn my brain off. And I'm so thankful I have Fall Break this week because I would not be happy if I had to get up for work in a few hours. I don't know what I keep thinking about. It seems to be a random list of things ranging from the HUGE pile of thank you notes to finish, wondering when these past 2 weeks of contractions will finally turn into the real deal, worrying about my father-in-law who is in the hospital recovering from surgery, to just being frustrated that I can't fall asleep. So here I am, with a cup of caffeine free tea in hand, ready to update this very neglected blog.
These past few months have been craziness. I mean, our lives are about to change drastically but the changing process has already begun. I'm not sure who at 7 months pregnant decides to start a new job, but yes that's me. I needed a change. I needed to feel inspired. And I certainly needed a job that I absolutely loved in order to leave my baby home in someone else's care. I also wanted a part-time job but needed to hold onto my benefits since Aaron is self employed and we all know that self employed benefits are way too expensive. In a very God directed chain of events, I found myself transferring at the beginning of August into the School Health program, which is within the Health Department so everything transferred with me. The wonderful thing about being a school nurse is that you work when school is open. It's considered part time but I kept my benefits! You basically work 71% of the year. Fall break, Christmas break, Spring break, summers off. It's perfect. Better yet, I got placed at the most amazing school. I love love love my job. I work at the school that is only for children with extreme special needs. Most of these kids have cerebral palsy or other brain injury related disabilities. The don't talk, they are all in wheelchairs, many don't eat food by mouth. But they are kids. I see past all of the "things" that make people stare at them and see beautiful children who have stolen my heart. I am responsible for the first through third graders, 14 students and they are the most precious adorable little people I've had the pleasure of working with. They make me smile every day. They have truly enriched my life. The school itself is truly phenominal and so is the staff. This is the only school within Metro that has more than one nurse placed at it. We have 7 RN's plus our Nursing Supervisor due to the high medical aquity of the children. And in my opinion, these are fabulous nurses. To work at this school, you have to be one special person, otherwise you wouldn't be able to handle what we deal with all day long. It was such a HUGE God blessing and I am enjoying getting back into Nursing mode after being in Case Management for the past 3 years.
We're on Fall Break this week and the plan is for me to start Maternity leave after fall break and then there's the Holiday break so I won't be returning to work until Jan. 4. I really will miss my kids and coworkers and I know that I won't be able to stay away while on leave. I'll be going up there all the time just to see everyone. But I'm glad to have time to be home with Addy as well. And it will be during my favorite time of the year!
Speaking of Fall Break, I'm not quite sure what to do with myself this week. I've nested and nested and everything is done and ready. I really didn't think I would make it this long since I'm on my feet all day long. But here I am, 39 weeks and so very very ready to be done. Addyson Grace is taking her sweet time. On one level, I'm ok with that but on another, I'm not. Selfishly, I'm so sick of being pregnant. And although I've had a very easy pregnancy, minus the battle with awful sciatic nerve pain, I'm at the end, I can't wear shoes and I'm just tired of waddling. Thank goodness I started seeing a chirorpracter who had to realign my pelvis which immediately relieved the nerve pain. It was AWFUL! I couldn't walk. And now, I get adjusted weekly and I feel great. No pain. I'm just so sick of wearing flip flops and maternity jeans...
I've had nights of contractions for 2 weeks. I'm talking about every 3-4 minutes over a minute long. They are intense but never lead to anything. It's ridiculous. I keep longing for my water to just break so I can finally call my midwife and say, "it's time!" I was drugging myself with Tylenol PM so they wouldn't keep me up all night but I also don't want to affect Addy if she was really working on her grand entrance into our world. However, tonight would have been a good night for drugs...
Everything is ready, we're just waiting on here. Even I keep saying how ready I am but I will be honest and admit there are times when I don't feel ready. I'm thankful to have such an amazing birth partner who I love so dearly. Aaron is truly the best. We finished our Hypnobabies class, which was so enjoyable and even though we haven't been practicing like we should, I know that it's going to help make my labor way more comfortable.
I just want to meet her. I'm trying not to get frustrated by the amount of people that keep asking for baby news. There is nothing worse than being at the end of pregnancy, wishing you could magically make your baby come out and have people constantly asking about it. I know they mean well but it's also frustrating. I think too that people forget I'm a nurse and I educated pregnant women for years about healthy pregnancies and babies. It's funny the advice I've gotten, without asking for it, about things. I guess that's life. I almost didn't go to church because I just can't bear to hear people comment on not having this baby yet or how much longer, etc. Like I said, I know they mean well but it's rough.
Alright, it's 3:30 now. I'm wondering if sleep tonight is just not going to happen. Do I try again or work on that huge pile of thank you notes that I've been avoiding? I'm thinking cuddling up to my sweet hubby sounds more enjoyable than having to write the same thank you line repeatedly. :)
I

3 Pregnant Must Haves...

That I would truly be lost without.

1. My snoogle pillow
2. Bio Oil
3. "Healthy Sleep Habits Heatlthy Child" by Marc Weissbluth

Grateful.

A friend let me borrow a GREAT video. As I was sitting there watching it, I listenined to interviews and ended up yelling, "I've been saying that!" It was crazy. Anyways, the video perfectly explains why I have made the choices that I have. If you wonder about my decision, I highly recommend seeing it if you can. It's titled: "The Business of Being Born"

These days, my mind is so full of many different things. I find myself also flying through all the emotions a person has, but in a matter of a few minutes, hours or all in one day. It's crazy. Most of all, I'm so overwhelmed by the thoughts and emotions I feel every time she moves. I am reminded how perfectly awesome God is and that life is truly a miracle. It reminds me to not take any day for granted becaseu we are never guaranteed tomorrow. This I know from first hand experience.

I often forget how blessed I am to even be able to sit here typing this. Most people know my story, but there are quite a few who don't. So I will share.
This coming Oct. 10, it will have been 4 years since that insanely crazy acciddent happaned. That's why I think it would be so AWESOME if she decided to come 2 weeks early and arrive on that special day! I was on my way home from work, on the interstate, when an 18 wheeler came into my lane. He clipped the tail end of my car on the driver's side which then spun me in front of him where he plowed into the driver's side. I ended up spinning off across 2 more lanes of interstate before I found my resting place against a cement retaining wall.

There are truly some amazing things about this. One, I did not hit any other cars and we were on a busy interstate during rush hour. Two, I don't remember any of it. I never saw the truck since he was behind me. I was in his blind spot and he did not see me as he changed lanes. My first memories are waking up in the ER and even those are fuzzy. I hit my head against the window which led to closed head injury. I also fractured my pelvis in 2 places, broke my right arm in 3 places and fractured my neck. I had a partially collapsed lung, not to mention my body was literally black and blue form all the bruising. I ended up having to have surgery on my arm... I call it my bionic arm due to the plate and 10 screws holding it together. :)

It is a miracle because I was in a tiny Mitsubishi Eclipse and I survived a battle between a double trailer 18 wheeler. Not many people can say that. I've had no lingering effetts from any of the injuries. Recovery was slow and fast all at the same time. I am blessed that I healed so quickly but it felt like it took forever. I had to wear a neck brace for around 6 weeks due to the fracture and I was out of work until it came off. In the beginning, I couldn't even take care of myself. My family and friends helped me do everything from take a shower to getting dressed. It was insane.

I think about those days and then think on where my life is now. I'm married to the most amazing man ever. And I walked down that aisle. I ran a half marathon last summer. I'm pregnant. I can exercise. I can work a full time job and not suffer from a closed head brain injury. God is so good. I am truly blessed. My whole life is a blessing. We truly cannot take anything for granted.

It's so easy to forget how blessed we all are until we go on missions trips or see devastations like we did with the Great Flood. If you truly do stop and think about it, we are blessed to see each morning. No one on this earth is guarnteed anything, yet we take it all for granted. We live in a society that wants instant gratification. We want it, we want it now. We take everything for granted and as a whole, we are ungrateful for what we do have. We complain all the time. We always want bigger and beter. We forget that our life is only a moment in time.

I know I do a terrible job of being thankful, even with an amazing testimony like that. There is so much more to the story, so many details that I haven't shared. It would take forever. But as I think thourgh that time of my life, I am reminded how my Daddy God took care of me through it all. In every simple detail, He provided. I can't help that my eyes fill up with tears of grattitude. It also reminds me that I do have purpose. I hadn't met Aaron yet. Had I died that day, I would have never met him. I know that part of my life's purpose was to be a wife, to be a mother, to be a daughter, to be a friend, etc. I know there are so many things that I haven't walked through yet, but I know as I face each of them, it's for a reason. I am here for a reason. Each of us has a purpose. Otherwise, we wouldn't be here.

I can't help but be reminded of all of this as I feel this sweet baby girl moving around inside me. It is such a weird feeling yet so wonderful all at the same time. With each flutter, kick or sumemersault, I am reminded to thank God for chosing me. I am so thankful He has blessed my life with some amazing things. Even though I may doubt my ability, I know He sees my potential. And He is always in my corner, cheering me on!

No matter what you face today, know there is someone always in your corner. Of course, you can't do it on your own. That's why He's always patiently waiting for us to finally throw our hands up and shout, "I can't do this anymore..." At that moment, He can finally move in, pick us up and carry us through. Sometimes, we just have to move out of the way to let Him do what He does best. His ways are perfect. He always has the very best in store for us. We are His precious children and He loves each of us so very dearly.

And it's a ... girl!

Well, I was hoping for a girl. I had a feeling it was a girl. I went for my first ultrasound on Friday and the tech said she was 100% sure it was a girl. I am a little worried that she was possibly wrong and here we have a name picked out, completed our registries and started picking up a few decorating items. I'm assuming my midwife will send me for another ultrasound in a few weeks but the tech did a thorough scan, measuring bones and such. She upped my due date by 4 days but my mideife wants to keep it the same as before. So Oct. 23 is the big day. Well, babies come when they are ready so we'll just have to wait and see what this little girl decides to do.
I'm in trouble... big trouble. Between my husband and the grandparents, we are going to have one spoiled little girl. She's a diva in the making for sure. :)
It's so much more real now that I've seen pictures of her and occassionally feel her move. It's like, wow, there is a 6 inch little human being in my tiny baby bump. Craziness.
Everything is still going great. It's been so easy. I only hope and pray that continues. I really like my midwife and her team. They are all very sweet. We met with Aaron's friend who teaches the hypnobabies class and we'll begin that in Aug. Looks like it's going to be a busy summer...
I've started getting her room ready and it's almost ready to be painted. I wish we had her funrniture so we can really start decorating. There's so much to do to get ready... but this is an exciting time. It will go by so fast and I will miss feeling her inside me. I can't wait to feel her more distinctively. But I enjoy what I do feel.
She's an active baby... the midwife had a hard time getting a heartbeat on Monday because hse kept moving. And in the ultrasound, she was having a little party. It was so cool watching her.
I am stil just so amazed at life.

Updates and Opinions

Baby bump pic at 14 weeks, 6 days. More to come soon, promise!
These have been very busy past few weeks! Whew.... definitely need to slow it down now.
We just got back from spending a long weekend in Myrtle Beach to celebrate our anniversary. On the actual day of our 2 year, we were in the midst of the Great Nashville Flood. That was insane and I still cannot believe the devastation that's all around us. We are very blessed in that there was no flooding in our subdivision, but just miles from us in all directions, serious destruction. It's so sad to hear about all the families that have lost their homes and pets. It just blows my mind away to see pictures of Opryland.

I promised I would blog about my decisions regarding my birth experience. I know people either tell me I'm crazy or think that I'm crazy. It's really hilarious because medical professional friends are all telling me what a wise choice I've made. So there you go. For my pregnant friends reading this, I'm not trying to persuade you that I'm right at all. And I'm certainly not trying to scare you. These are just my thought and opinions. If you disagree with me, it's really ok, I promise.
I have to say that I'm an educated Registered Nurse so obviously I'm making this decision with a really good understanding of some things that people who aren't medical professionals may not understand. And it's my birth and my husband is 100% on my side about all of it.
And I must start off by saying, I have prayed about my decision, a lot! And i feel peace about it. There has been quite a few confirmations that simply made me feel a bit better about my decision. Mostly I continue to pray protection around me and my unborn child. I have had such an easy pregnancy and I ask Him daily to let that continue and to have an easy labor and birth. I want my experience that I've chosen to be surrounded by His powerful and beauitful presence. I want those who are present to be in awe of His grace and beauty as we witness a new life being born.
I've decided to go with a midwife and have a home water birth. Now, I wouldn't have to do this at home if we lived in a community where there are birthing centers or even if the hospitals had birthing tubs. Vanderbilt has one tub, just one, and it's first come first serve. I flat out refuse to deliver there because I will end up with c-section since they are so eager to cut. You can only labor in the tub until 6cm anyways, so what good does that do.
If you don't know anything about water births, and you are being judgemental right now, I encourage you to research it, then you can be judgemental.
Aaron and I are not hippies. And my friends know I am not hard core about stuff but I am a huge believer in empowering woman. Birth in America has been commercialized as a money making business. AND, woman go into their birth experiences frightened because of all the horror stories they heard or all the intimidating hospital equipment they see.
Once again, if you are being judgemental about me having a natural birth, I encourage you to research it. Then be judgemental.
I want my birth experience to be peaceful. I want music playing. I don't want some doctor pulling or vacuuming my baby out, much less deciding to spilt my abdomen open if it's really not all that necessary. And let's be honest, a lot of "intervention" that happens in the hospital is unnecessary.
I also know that some intervention is necessary. If there's an emergency or if a woman is high risk, then by all means, you need to be in a hospital. But for me, the best fit right now is a water birth. My only option for that is at home, which sucks but that's how it is.
I don't want an epidural. i seriously do not want anything being injected into my spine. It has too many side effects and it does affect the babies. I want to breastfeed so I do not want having an epidural to affect my little baby's ability to latch on.
Now, there are plenty of women out there who have had a medicated birth and have had NO problems whatsoever. And for those women, I am truly happy. I just would rather not put myself at risk for having an episiotomy or end up with c-section.
We are going to take a Hypnobabies birth class... research it...and I know mentally I can do this. A woman's body was created to push a baby out without much intervention. That's how God made us! You will actually push involuntarily when it's time because your body knows what it is doing. That's how it was made. You just have to listen to it.
Am I stupid enough to think it won't hurt? Absolutely not. I will be trying the Hypnobabies method and be in water, which both minimize pain greatly. I want peace, I want dim lights, I want music, I want soothing comforting words. I want our little baby to be brought into the world, showered with love and comfort from Mom and Dad. I want to hold that brand new baby straight form my womb and love on it and sooth it. That's what I want. And that's really ok.
If you don't want that, that's ok too. Obviously, this is my blog where I share my own thoughts and opinions. It doesn't mean you have to agree with me. I really don't care if you do or don't. I'm just expressing my own personal thoughts and feelings.

So you may be asking why I'm opposed to the hospital and I'll explain.
You can't have food and water, but you need nourishment as you labor! Ok, whatever. I mean labor is hard work, why would you do it starving and thirsty?
You have someone checking on your pain level constantly... i mean constantly. And the hospitals aren't staffed with the right number of nurses for them to be patient with you and labor with you. It's just easier for you be numb and lay there because it really does make their job a bit easier. It's not their fault, it's just the way it is now. There are really great L&D nurses out there but there are impatient ones as well. That's life. So here you are, scared about the pain (which makes the pain worse... research!) and you've heard all these god awful horror stories so at some point you give in, go ahead and get epidural because you are scared you won't be able to handle it and then it will be too late. That's just what happens.
And I don't want to be induced. With an induction, the pitocin drip is hanging which means now you are having medically induced contractions, not natural contractions. The med. contractions truly are PAINFUL!! So yes, I will want an epidural, which really isn't what I want at all!
So now you're chained to a bed, you can't walk and move around, which all helps progress labor, and labor most likely now will slow down. If you don't progress much at all, then it's off to have c-section. If you do get to push, it's when someone tells you too, not when your body tells you too, and you end up pushing ineffectively and most likely end up with an episiotomy. It happens all the time. And sometimes, a vacuum or forceps have to be used. Poor baby. He/She went from a nice peaceful water environment to a loud, bright, noisy scary hospital room. That's their first life experience. Has anyone ever though how these babies must feel?

Am I trying to convince all women to go natural? Not at all. I understand some people can't handle pain or a hospital makes them feel safe. That's really ok. This is just what I want. It's funny because in other countries, home births with midwives are way way more common.
Unless there is some emergency, I would much rather save thousands of dollars and deliver at home. I want to do it natural and the hospital environment is just not a great place to try and do it natural, unless you have a doula and then the doula and nurses butt heads which makes everything way more stressful.
I've determined because of my view points and beliefs, that I will be a disagreeable patient in the hospital. I don't agree with hospital policy so that means I will be labeled "difficult patient." I've worked in a hospital before, I know all about those patients that are "difficult." The whole staff talks about them and I will get nurses who give me attitude because they think I'm being dumb. I would rather not go through any of that with my first birth experience.
If you disagree with the points I've made, it's really ok. I just encourage you to make an informed decision, and research what I'm talking about before you just decide I'm temporarily insane. And if you just want to think I'm insane, then go for it. It doesn't bother me. But, I've had so many medical professionals tell me I've made a good decision and that I will be very happy. That speaks volumes!
And I don't want to get started on my soapbox about health insurance. Seriously, I work a full time job and still pay expensive premiums every paycheck to cover my insurance. And to top it all off, I have to pay an additional 20% for EVERYTHING!!!! Every test, every doctor visit, the hospital stay, the nursery stay, the epidural, the sheets on the bed, the tubing used for the IV, I mean 20% of everything. C'mon that is just plain RIDICULOUS. And of course, we make too much so I don't qualify for any of the free services like WIC, food stamps or even Medicare. If you have any of those things, I'm not hating on you at all. That's awesome. It just stinks that I work hard and we don't get anything for free. Our system is messed up... and I'm afraid the changes that are coming are only going to make it all so much worse.
So there you go... I'm opinionated this morning. I hope I didn't offend anyone. It truly wasn't my intent at all. I'm just expressing my own personal thoughts. Doesn't make them right. And of course, I've never birthed a baby in the hospital before so I cant say that any of this is from my own personal experiecne. But I educated on pregnancy, labor and birth all day long. I have a pretty good understanding of these things.
Please don't send hate in the comment section. Thanks! :)

Why do I complain?

I shouldn't do it... I know better. But why do we do it?
Yesterday, Aaron met me at my office iwth lunch from my fav. spot and a surprise. He went shopping for me that morning and picked out several cute dresses for me. We have an event this Friday evening and well what I was going to wear isn't quite going to work. So he went and shopped for me. Now let me tell you, this man has great taste. I'm picky about clothes and my style but I trust him completely to go without me and get something great. And he did just that. It was very thoughtful and a great birthday surprise.
I had dinner with my good friend last night at our little sushi place. She brought me a little cake and a beautiful gift. Seriously, the day ended pretty well and even though it wasn't a huge production of a celebration, I felt celebrated and a little more special.

Another Birthday... What??

It's weird. Today is my 31st birthday. I remember that as a kid, this age seemed SO OLD. Yet, here I am. I don't feel old. I feel pregnant, but not old.
The weekend was, well interesting. Aaron did take me to the ballet on Friday night. And it was awesome. He enjoyed it to because the Symphony played and the Nashville Children's Choir sang. A midsummer night's dream is comical so the ballet itself was funny. It was a great production. We ran to Cheesecake Factory afterwards because my wacked out taste buds could not decide on anywhere to eat and we split the nachos and piece of cheesecake. It was the first time out of so many times I've eaten there that I have to say, my food was not good. And it wasn't pregnancy induced wacked taste buds. Aaron wasn't happy with the food either. So that was Friday night.
Saturday was just well a typical Saturday except that I actually was lazy and didn't do much of anything. Aaron had a bday dinner planned for me that evening but of course we had crazy weather with tornado watches. So half the peopl cancelled. I understand why they cancelled, it just stinks because after we were seated, I'm watching the weather out the window and it stopped raining. 5 friends joined Aaron and I that night. I appreciate them so much for driving in the rain to help celebrate what really hasn't felt like much of a celebration.
Sunday was busy as usual. Church and then I had a houseful of teenage girls to play makeup on. They are too funny. I didn't mind giving up a whole precious Sunday afternoon because I love doing makeup and they all made me laugh. It was fun.
And here I am on a Monday morning, back at work and feeling a bit sorry for myself. I hate to admit it but I am. I appreciate the FB birthday wishes, I do. I'm just not much of a media person. It feel inpersonal to me. It's exactly why I deleted my Twitter account. I don't want twitter to be the mode of communicating with friends. I appreciate phone calls and even text messages are way more personal than twitter and even FB at times.
Anyways, I guess I just feel that after the big 30, birthdays aren't as important as they are when you're younger. This makes me very sad as birthdays are important to me and it's the day you should celebrate. And what makes it harder, I'm a gift person. I love to give gifts at birthdays and I love to recieve them. It's one of my love languages. So of couse that isn't helping much. Not that I want people to give me gifts... it's the thought that means so much and even birthday cards are meaningful because it means you took the time to go to the store, stand at the display and find a card. I appreciate that.
I still have 6 more months before this baby overshadows everything else by his/her arrival. That's 6 more months to be celebrated on birthdays and anniversaries. (Ours is this Sunday and we won't be able to celebrate... gross)
So I'm feeling a little down today. I don't want to be getting older but I'm thankful that at least I don't feel old, nor do I look old. Birthdays should be special... yet I'm at work. And I know I did a terrible job of celebrating Aaron's special day last month. First trimester craziness. But he did get a killer party and that made me feel better about his actual day being such a bust.
Anyways, so here I am wondering how on earth another year flew by so quickly and feeling a bit down because I feel a bit forgotten. Thank you to those who have helped to make me feel a bit more special.

Ponderings of my mind...

I had a tearful conversation with my husband last night. Of course I was the one crying, while he was lovingly comforting me. I'm going to share some of that conversation.
I mentioned before how I just feel "lost", not myself and I'm beginning to realize it's because I'm trying to fit into boxes that were not designed for me. No matter how hard I push and cram myself into these boxes, I'm not going to fit. I'm not made to be put in a box. I'm sorry but I'm not. I'm made to be open and honest and authentic and to always be true to who I have been made to be.
Yes, who I'm made to be is a question of my mind right now. A new role as a mom is shaking me up a bit. I'm headed to new territory and I feel a bit uncertain about it. I know we will be great parents but I have many questions and I'm such a planner. But it's really hard to prepare for something like that. Yes, we can buy all the baby equipment and read the books we think will help, but until we bring that baby home and start living our new roles, there is no way to be adequately prepared.
I think that it's because of these things, that I've been struggling. I'm afraid that our lives will drastically change, and yes they are going to. But that doesn't mean it has to be in a negative way. I don't want to lose myself and one way to not let that happen is always be honest and true to who I am. Aaron's response was, "I fell in love with you, the authentic and honest you. I love you for all that you are and I never want you fitting in any boxes. Always be you!"
We are not perfect. No one on this planet is perfect. I certainly do not walk around trying to pawn myself as a perfect person. I will be completely honest and tell you what I struggle with. And I believe that because Aaron and I are so honest about ourselves and our marriage, it makes us relate able leaders. Even when we don't ask to be in leadership positions, we find ourselves there because they are God appointed and despite what I think, we have great influence. I have often argued that it's because of Aaron and his integrity, his influence and his positive attitude that people want to be around us. But I'm beginning to see that it's so much more than that. It's because together, we make a great team. We are honest, open, giving, loving and we never try to act like something we aren't. We daily live out our life mission statement that we wrote before our marriage.
Don't get me wrong. We have our shortcomings, just like everyone else. I, like most women, am very insecure. I never feel comfortable "in my own skin." I am timid and shy. I don't speak up that much, although I am getting better. I tend to be overly concerned about my weight and this whole having to gain weight and doing nothing about it is really rocking my world. I can be moody and picky. Let's be honest, I'm just quirky at times. But... I am loyal, I love BIG, I'm dedicated, I'm protective of those I love, I'm a good listener, I am compassionate, I am giving of my time and resources. I'm God's child. I am truly one special and unique woman.
Our marriage has it's faults too. But it is because of that and how honest we are about those things and how hard we fight to have a good marriage, that we often find ourselves giving relationship advice to other couples. We haven't even hit our 2 year anniversary and we've already given counsel to married and dating couples. We truly have a heart for that and we feel very saddened to hear about marriages that do fall apart. Do we fight? Oh yes we do. Shocking but we can be downright mean and hurtful to each other. We BOTH have tempers and we BOTH hate to feel disrespected. But we always use every fight as an opportunity to learn and grow. Often, a truth about ourselves or a situation will arise in the midst of all the hurt and we find ourselves tearfully clinging to one another and loving each other even more than we did before we even started fighting.
I hate fighting. I am non-confrontational. Aaron is the opposite. But also we love each other so deeply and passionately. We are truly soul mates and there is no one on this planet more perfect for each other.
I don't ever want to lose that authenticity. I don't want to be someone that I'm not. That is why the broken teenage girls and women I deal with at my job for 10 hours a day, like me so much. Because I listen, I am honest, I offer examples from my own life. I do not come into their homes to condemn them for the bad decisions they repeatedly make. I tell them they are validated for the way they feel and try to help them think positiviely about themselves and their situation. I often am perplexed why people will tell Aaron how much they just love me and then I realize this is why. Ultimately, I value and appreciate people who are vulnerable and honest about their own lives. I love to hear their stories about what they struggle with and how they overcame those struggles. Or maybe, they aren't overcoming and there's something I can share to help them. I can relate to them. They are good examples that despite all of our imperfections, we are unique individuals who will always struggle with certain issues. We are not perfect. We will never be perfect. And that is perfectly OK.
I know I tend to be brutally honest. I am a deep thinker. I analyze everything. When I'm happy, I'm happy. When I'm bothered, I'm bothered. When I'm upset, you are going to know about it. I don't hide emotions well. As much as I wish I did, I just can't. I'm not made that way. Maybe I should keep my thoughts to myself. I often wonder this. I don't have an answer to that one. I do know that in my marriage, keeping my thoughts to myself usually does not have a good outcome. I've promised my husband that I will always be honest and I must continue to do so. He may not understand but I'm sharing my thoughts and my feelings. I made a vow to always do this.
Yes, I've had a pretty rough go, emotionally, these past few months. If you've ever been pregnant before, you understand. I'm finding as I read about pregnancy, that most, if not all, of the feelings I've felt are completely normal. This is why pregnant women cling to other pregnant women. We understand what we're all going through. It's the same reason that married couples cling to other couples. We all want to be surrounded by "real" people who are walking through the same situations that we face. That is doing life together. That is making a difference. That is speaking into each others' lives.
I don't want to feel guilty any more for "having a rough go of it." I told my father-in-law last month that I wasn't excited about being pregnant. I felt so guilty afterwards because I felt that I was rejecting a blessing. But in that moment that he asked me, I wasn't excited. Does it mean I'm not excited? No. But on that day, I felt fat, I didn't feel well, we were in the midst of trying to sell the house and build a new one, I was overwhelmed and I wasn't excited. I don't want to feel guilty anymore. I'm realize that it is OK to have these feelings. It's what makes me a normal pregnant woman who has way too much going on in life and in my mind.

And so what is the point of today's blog? I guess it's more of a comfort letter to myself, a reminder that I'm perfectly normal. And as always, I do hope that the inner workings of my mind and my thoughts help encourage someone else. Above all else, I always want my life to be a positive example to others. I always want to be authentic and be true to who I have been made to be.
God has made each of us so unique. There is no one on the planet with our same DNA. Even our child, who shares our DNA, will be a unique individual. We are each one of a kind and special. We ALL have shortcomings and that is OK. It's what you do with those faults that makes the greatest difference.

I know that God loves me in a way that even my adoring husband will never love me. He loves us all in that same way. Each one of us is His favorite. I used to be afraid of God, that every time I messed up, he was gonna beat me on the head with this big stick. Through the years, I've learned so much about His grace and His love. And I've learned that my life has purpose. If it didn't, I would have died 3 and 1/2 years ago when the 18 wheeler crumpled my little car. I do have a purpose and in that purpose includes being a wife and a mom. I know I don't feel qualified for the job but He most certainly thinks so or I wouldn't be pregnant. I may not have the best understanding of faith and trust but that's ok. I'm a deep thinker and no matter how much anyone tries to tell me to just let go, I'm going to think about things. I think about everything. This is how God made me.
I wish He was here in the flesh so I could see Him and embrace Him or even sit in His lap so He could whisper comforting words in my ears. It would make faith and trust so much easier. I know that no matter what we face, He is always right there beside us. Always.

So there you go. Pondering.

12 weeks and counting...

Well here we are at 12 weeks preggers. I'm heading towards my second trimester and I must say that I've had it kind of easy...physically. No, I haven't been puking in the toilet or had morning sickness. I don't want to eat peanut butter and pickles together (gross). I am starting to have a pregnancy glow (what does that even mean). But emotionally, this is a trip. Seriously, I'm all over the place. I've never felt such strong feelings of discontent or sadness or frustration. It's so weird. I should be happy all the time, right? Yeah, that's not happening. And it's not that I'm not happy we are bringing a baby into the world. I just get overwhelmed by the never ending list of preparations and let's be honest, I'm going to be a mom! That's so scary. How do I know what to do? Will I be a good mom or am I going to screw up my children and pass on issues that were passed on to me? Will we be able to provide for our child? Will our baby be safe? How will our dog react to this new little life? My mind just never stops thinking about all of these things. It's really loud in there and there are many monuments where I just want to scream, "SHUT UP!" but then people will think I'm even more crazy because I'm yelling at myself.

I know you aren't supposed to pick up a new physical activity but I started running again. I was in decent shape before getting pregnant and even though I hadn't been running right when it happened, I love it too much to put it off for another year. And with that, I've begun. Slowly but surely... I'm making it. And I love every minute. If there is one moment that I truly feel amazing about being pregnant, it's when I'm running. I can't explain it, it's the best feeling in the world. Even though I get winded faster and I tend to get hotter I still feel amazing. It's something about running, knowing the baby is in my womb and he/she is feeling those endorphins and is comforted by my increased heart rate. It's just exhilarating.
I am trying to think how I can keep up the running over the summer months. Right now, the weather is perfect so no worries about getting too hot but in the summer, not so much. I would love to think I can get up before work but..................
I'm having very difficult emotions about getting "fat." That's exactly what it looks like, I've eaten way too many doughnuts. I hate doughnuts. But i have this jiggly pooch that just squishes out the top of my pants. It's really gross. I guess I'm headed to the maternity section... at 12 weeks!!!!
My sweet adoring husband tell me I look so pretty pregnant. I certainly don't feel it!!!
Eating healthy has never been so easy, it's all I want to eat. I typically never eat red meat but I have eaten several steaks off the grill in the past few weeks. Yummy. I hate chicken right now. I can't even look at it. It's disgusting. So funny how all of your likes/dislikes change when you are pregnant. :)

To be completely honest, I have been in a weird place of discontent and questioning. I have been putting off having the frank discussions with God that I know need to happen. I'm not sure why I am avoiding Him. I think I'm just frustrated and although He hold the answers to all my questions, I don't want to ask. Maybe I don't want to hear the answers or maybe it's easier to just ignore Him than to deal with the reality of what's going on. I'm not really sure but there are moments when I feel extremely insignificant and unimportant to Him. This couldn't be further from the truth but it's just easier to believee that. Fatigue and pregnancy hormones only magnify the whole thing and I feel lost at times. I feel like I've lost me and I'm not myself. I know pregnant women love sharing their bodies with the new life growing inside. The only times I ever enjoy sharing my body is when I'm out running. I'm just too selfish. I have to eat when I'm hungry and sleep when I'm tired and go pee when it hits... there's no putting any of these things off anymore. My body demands I comply and quite frankly, I don't like being told what to do.
I know the most important thing for me to be doing right now is the one thing I'm avoiding the most. I don't want to talk to Him about it all. I feel guilty for not being grateful that I've had it so easy this pregnancy. And some couples try forever to get pregnant and here we barely tried... I question my own abilities to be a good mother and provider and I don't like feeling uncertain about my new role. I do feel uncertain, and scared. For real, like petrified.
We got an offer on the house in less than a week but "stuff" happened and we are unable to move now. I feel somewhat relieved and I'm angry. I'm angy for many reasons but mostly because I'm so protective of my husband and I hate to see how hard he works and then get disappointed. I have to believe the whole situation, which I can't really explain, is a blessing and just trust that something amazing will be blowing us away. In the meantime, I'm freaking out a little.
There's just so much to sort through and I'm thankful to have a supportive husband who is praying for me every day. I don't know what I would do without him because he believes in me and he sees my potential. He truly is such a blessing to my life.

Anyways, I'm off to work on the huge pile of charts sitting on my desk. I just keep putting them off as well.

And welcome to the world of pregnancy

It's so weird to say, "I'm pregnant." I don't know, it's just crazy to think I'm helping to form a tiny little life. We think I'm about 8 weeks. At my next OB appt, we'll probably know more for sure. It just feels so unreal.
As far as symptoms, well that's been interesting. I had a bad stomach bug recently and that was no fun. I feel pretty good. I have occasional nausea but mild and it's usually if I haven't eaten in a bit. All I crave right now is fresh fruit and veggies. Which is a good thing.
I have so much going on, it's hard to focus any thought to our baby. First the cars, now the house, and then hopefully I can focus on the remainder of my pregnancy and this little one. We decided to put the house on the market. Yes, I'm going to have to completely trust God on this one. I think we have found where we want to move to and that's a relief. It's just a few miles past our current subdivision in beautiful Nolensville, TN.
My emotions are certainly an interesting trip. Let's be honest, I'm a crazy woman at times. I'm so thankful for my dear husband and as trying as it is, he really does try to be patient with me.
Now, if we could just figure out what to do about this pregnancy bloating. It's awful. And can we talk about other "things" growing? Seriously, this is gonna get insane. TMI? So sorry. Just get ready. I'm sure there are many more personal things to share.

Wait...I'm pregnant?????

Yes, there it is. 5 weeks. Early enough for me to be hesitant to broadcast it to the world. It's a very surreal feeling. I'm carrying a teeny tiny little baby. Currently he/she is the size of a sesame seed... wow!
For those of you who know us well, I'm have a baby Rizlet... or as Aaron is hoping for... Rizlets. (Seriously??)
It's not like I should be shocked. After all, we were trying. I just have these moments where I wonder if now was the best time to start trying. And then I have to remember, it's really not up to me. This obviously is God's plan for Aaron and myself. We are excited, but I will admit that I'm scared out of my mind.
The funny thing is that I educate women on pregnancy, labor and caring for a newborn baby all day long. But now, as I read all these magazines that my OB gave me, it puts it all in a completely different perspective. I'm freaking out a bit. Is this normal?
Don't get me wrong, I'm happy. Life is truly a miracle, but I have to push a baby out... huh??? Not only that but I have to gain 15-20 pounds... really??? Yikes!!!!!
Then i just can't help but think what will happen once my maternity leave is over and I have to go back to a full time job and leave my precious little baby in the care of someone else. That is not going to go over very well. But all I can do is trust Him that it will all work out. I'm not quite sure how. I would love to be a stay at home mom and work part time but we're just gonna have to see what happens.
I just can't worry about that right now.
So there you go... Baby Rizlet.
How am I feeling? Well I don't really feel pregnant. And I'm not complaining. I know it's still early. I feel great. For whatever reason, I actually feel more energized. I do hit that afternoon tired slump but some one-on-one time with the eliptical machine really does help with that. I've always been a predominately healthy eater, with my occasional splurges on chocolate, but I feel so overly concerned about everything I put into my body right now. Unfortunately, I am being very stubborn about giving up my morning cup of coffee... but it's truly the only caffeine I usually have. I haven't had any weird cravings. But my sense of smell...whoa! Everything is on level 10. That is truly weird.
I'm intrigued by pregnancy.
My amazing hubby is trying to be patient with my whacked out hormones. I will say they are truly ALL OVER THE PLACE. I can start to cry at the drop of a hat. This is gonna get interesting.
The funny thing is we traded my little 2 door car in a few days before I had two more postive pregnancy test and went to the OB. I was able to get an amazing deal on a sweet ride... friends call it the Babymobile. It's a Nissan Murano and it's truly the nicest car I've ever had. We still have to get Aaron a car since his Trooper is falling apart. And I think we've decided we are just going to try to make it all work in our townhouse. I love our house and for a townhouse, it's huge. But it's only 2 bedroom. I want to try and make it work for now and then we can move on to a bigger house. I just don't feel compelled to try and move on top of everything else that's going on.
As far as Mr. Kingsley goes, I keep threatening to kick him out. I love that dog but he is getting on my nerves. I'm still bitter that half of my blue tooth earpiece is in his belly. And that's my fault for leaving it where he could get it. He never chews on anything but his toys. I just don't get it. Maybe he senses great things are happening and his little world is about to get turned upside down. Who knows.
When 2010 started, I did say that I expected nothing but greatness. Well... I'd say we're off to a GREAT start.

Patience... Ponderings...Preparing

I'm not sure if anyone even read my blog. And I'm pretty ashamed to say that I haven't been doing a good job of updating. I just feel like today I want to pour out my inner thoughts and feelings.
The past few months have been a blur. They literally have flown by. Going on a week long cruise in the middle of January certainly threw everything off a bit. Christmas, vacation, and now it's almost Valentine's Day! That's so crazy to me.
Our vacation was such a blast. It was a great time to get closer to Aaron's parents and his mom's side of the family. They are all very special and I love them dearly.
I'm not sure what happened, but it just seems like after the cruise, Aaron and I made some big decisions about our future. We've decided it's time to try and get pregnant.
Now as exciting as this is, I'm scared to death. Mostly, I worry about how we will fit a new baby into our already crazy world. I think about my 30 yr. old body and the changes that pregnancy will bring. I think about my current job, and how I will not and simply cannot continue once I have a baby at home. There are just so many thoughts in my head.
I think that neither of us knew how much we wanted to get pregnant until I had a positive pregnancy test. I'm not quite sure why I took one. But there it was. "Pregnant" I was shocked but Aaron was ecstatic. It warms my heart just thinking about his sweet face as he intently stared at the testing stick. lol
So me being the weirdo person I am decided to wake up the next morning and retest. "Not pregnant" Huh?? False positives are pretty rare. That was confusing. So I headed off to the walk in clinic to see if they would do the blood test. I had to wait all weekend for those results. "Not pregnant"
I'm disappointed, relieved (because that meant I was pregnant and didn't know it. We had been on vacation.. you get the picture), confused (why a cruel false positive), uncertain (do I really want to do this) and many other feelings. My emotions are literally all over the place. And technically, I could be pregnant seeing how the main indicator of pregnancy hasn't happened yet. We still have about a week to go on that one.
I don't want to get my hopes up. Unfortunately, I'm a nurse so I know what's going on in my body. It's hard not to be hopeful when you start having symptoms that could be early pregnancy or just serious PMS.
One thing I keep reminding myself is that it's in God's timing. His plan is perfect. I know it will happen when the time is right and as much as I want to go ahead and plan for it, I have to wait. This is not easy for me.
Then I start to panic and think about our lovely townhouse and how we are going to have to move.... Stop it!!! Can't think about that right now.
Our lives are truly so busy. It seems like we go go go constantly. I'm trying to cut back so when a baby does arrive, we don't have to completely alter everything. I don't want us to lose our identity because now we are parents. I want our baby to be a wonderful addition to our amazing lives.
I'm trying to get ready. I ended my Y membership so I could join the gym across form my neighborhood. This way, I will go since it's right there. Trying to cut back on caffeine, sugar, bad foods. Taking appropriate vitamins.
I'm trying not to think about it but that is so hard to do. I question constantly if I am ready. For a long time, it was Aaron that admittedly said he wasn't ready. And now here I am questioning it.
I love my husband. He is my best friend in every way. I can only imagine what an incredible father he will be. He is already so helpful to me and I know that when our child does arrive, he will be even more helpful. This is a great comfort to me. And it's a blessing his parents are so close. They will also be a huge help.
So, here I ponder about what's going on in my body. Is there a life starting to be formed or more waiting.
Patience Sarah. Patience.

It's been way way too long...

Can't believe I haven't blogged since Thanksgiving. Wow.
So, it's been an exciting 2 months. The Christmas Holidays were wonderful. Aaron and his parents spoiled me once again. They truly are such an amazing family and I am so blessed to be a part of that.
We just got back from our big family vacation. 7 day cruise to the Eastern Carribean. It was wonderful. I will post pics very soon.
2010 is going to be a year of great change and it's already started to happen. Exciting things are in the works not only for me but for Aaron as well.
I will keep up the blogging, I promise.