12 weeks and counting...

Well here we are at 12 weeks preggers. I'm heading towards my second trimester and I must say that I've had it kind of easy...physically. No, I haven't been puking in the toilet or had morning sickness. I don't want to eat peanut butter and pickles together (gross). I am starting to have a pregnancy glow (what does that even mean). But emotionally, this is a trip. Seriously, I'm all over the place. I've never felt such strong feelings of discontent or sadness or frustration. It's so weird. I should be happy all the time, right? Yeah, that's not happening. And it's not that I'm not happy we are bringing a baby into the world. I just get overwhelmed by the never ending list of preparations and let's be honest, I'm going to be a mom! That's so scary. How do I know what to do? Will I be a good mom or am I going to screw up my children and pass on issues that were passed on to me? Will we be able to provide for our child? Will our baby be safe? How will our dog react to this new little life? My mind just never stops thinking about all of these things. It's really loud in there and there are many monuments where I just want to scream, "SHUT UP!" but then people will think I'm even more crazy because I'm yelling at myself.

I know you aren't supposed to pick up a new physical activity but I started running again. I was in decent shape before getting pregnant and even though I hadn't been running right when it happened, I love it too much to put it off for another year. And with that, I've begun. Slowly but surely... I'm making it. And I love every minute. If there is one moment that I truly feel amazing about being pregnant, it's when I'm running. I can't explain it, it's the best feeling in the world. Even though I get winded faster and I tend to get hotter I still feel amazing. It's something about running, knowing the baby is in my womb and he/she is feeling those endorphins and is comforted by my increased heart rate. It's just exhilarating.
I am trying to think how I can keep up the running over the summer months. Right now, the weather is perfect so no worries about getting too hot but in the summer, not so much. I would love to think I can get up before work but..................
I'm having very difficult emotions about getting "fat." That's exactly what it looks like, I've eaten way too many doughnuts. I hate doughnuts. But i have this jiggly pooch that just squishes out the top of my pants. It's really gross. I guess I'm headed to the maternity section... at 12 weeks!!!!
My sweet adoring husband tell me I look so pretty pregnant. I certainly don't feel it!!!
Eating healthy has never been so easy, it's all I want to eat. I typically never eat red meat but I have eaten several steaks off the grill in the past few weeks. Yummy. I hate chicken right now. I can't even look at it. It's disgusting. So funny how all of your likes/dislikes change when you are pregnant. :)

To be completely honest, I have been in a weird place of discontent and questioning. I have been putting off having the frank discussions with God that I know need to happen. I'm not sure why I am avoiding Him. I think I'm just frustrated and although He hold the answers to all my questions, I don't want to ask. Maybe I don't want to hear the answers or maybe it's easier to just ignore Him than to deal with the reality of what's going on. I'm not really sure but there are moments when I feel extremely insignificant and unimportant to Him. This couldn't be further from the truth but it's just easier to believee that. Fatigue and pregnancy hormones only magnify the whole thing and I feel lost at times. I feel like I've lost me and I'm not myself. I know pregnant women love sharing their bodies with the new life growing inside. The only times I ever enjoy sharing my body is when I'm out running. I'm just too selfish. I have to eat when I'm hungry and sleep when I'm tired and go pee when it hits... there's no putting any of these things off anymore. My body demands I comply and quite frankly, I don't like being told what to do.
I know the most important thing for me to be doing right now is the one thing I'm avoiding the most. I don't want to talk to Him about it all. I feel guilty for not being grateful that I've had it so easy this pregnancy. And some couples try forever to get pregnant and here we barely tried... I question my own abilities to be a good mother and provider and I don't like feeling uncertain about my new role. I do feel uncertain, and scared. For real, like petrified.
We got an offer on the house in less than a week but "stuff" happened and we are unable to move now. I feel somewhat relieved and I'm angry. I'm angy for many reasons but mostly because I'm so protective of my husband and I hate to see how hard he works and then get disappointed. I have to believe the whole situation, which I can't really explain, is a blessing and just trust that something amazing will be blowing us away. In the meantime, I'm freaking out a little.
There's just so much to sort through and I'm thankful to have a supportive husband who is praying for me every day. I don't know what I would do without him because he believes in me and he sees my potential. He truly is such a blessing to my life.

Anyways, I'm off to work on the huge pile of charts sitting on my desk. I just keep putting them off as well.