Patience... Ponderings...Preparing

I'm not sure if anyone even read my blog. And I'm pretty ashamed to say that I haven't been doing a good job of updating. I just feel like today I want to pour out my inner thoughts and feelings.
The past few months have been a blur. They literally have flown by. Going on a week long cruise in the middle of January certainly threw everything off a bit. Christmas, vacation, and now it's almost Valentine's Day! That's so crazy to me.
Our vacation was such a blast. It was a great time to get closer to Aaron's parents and his mom's side of the family. They are all very special and I love them dearly.
I'm not sure what happened, but it just seems like after the cruise, Aaron and I made some big decisions about our future. We've decided it's time to try and get pregnant.
Now as exciting as this is, I'm scared to death. Mostly, I worry about how we will fit a new baby into our already crazy world. I think about my 30 yr. old body and the changes that pregnancy will bring. I think about my current job, and how I will not and simply cannot continue once I have a baby at home. There are just so many thoughts in my head.
I think that neither of us knew how much we wanted to get pregnant until I had a positive pregnancy test. I'm not quite sure why I took one. But there it was. "Pregnant" I was shocked but Aaron was ecstatic. It warms my heart just thinking about his sweet face as he intently stared at the testing stick. lol
So me being the weirdo person I am decided to wake up the next morning and retest. "Not pregnant" Huh?? False positives are pretty rare. That was confusing. So I headed off to the walk in clinic to see if they would do the blood test. I had to wait all weekend for those results. "Not pregnant"
I'm disappointed, relieved (because that meant I was pregnant and didn't know it. We had been on vacation.. you get the picture), confused (why a cruel false positive), uncertain (do I really want to do this) and many other feelings. My emotions are literally all over the place. And technically, I could be pregnant seeing how the main indicator of pregnancy hasn't happened yet. We still have about a week to go on that one.
I don't want to get my hopes up. Unfortunately, I'm a nurse so I know what's going on in my body. It's hard not to be hopeful when you start having symptoms that could be early pregnancy or just serious PMS.
One thing I keep reminding myself is that it's in God's timing. His plan is perfect. I know it will happen when the time is right and as much as I want to go ahead and plan for it, I have to wait. This is not easy for me.
Then I start to panic and think about our lovely townhouse and how we are going to have to move.... Stop it!!! Can't think about that right now.
Our lives are truly so busy. It seems like we go go go constantly. I'm trying to cut back so when a baby does arrive, we don't have to completely alter everything. I don't want us to lose our identity because now we are parents. I want our baby to be a wonderful addition to our amazing lives.
I'm trying to get ready. I ended my Y membership so I could join the gym across form my neighborhood. This way, I will go since it's right there. Trying to cut back on caffeine, sugar, bad foods. Taking appropriate vitamins.
I'm trying not to think about it but that is so hard to do. I question constantly if I am ready. For a long time, it was Aaron that admittedly said he wasn't ready. And now here I am questioning it.
I love my husband. He is my best friend in every way. I can only imagine what an incredible father he will be. He is already so helpful to me and I know that when our child does arrive, he will be even more helpful. This is a great comfort to me. And it's a blessing his parents are so close. They will also be a huge help.
So, here I ponder about what's going on in my body. Is there a life starting to be formed or more waiting.
Patience Sarah. Patience.