Ponderings of my mind...

I had a tearful conversation with my husband last night. Of course I was the one crying, while he was lovingly comforting me. I'm going to share some of that conversation.
I mentioned before how I just feel "lost", not myself and I'm beginning to realize it's because I'm trying to fit into boxes that were not designed for me. No matter how hard I push and cram myself into these boxes, I'm not going to fit. I'm not made to be put in a box. I'm sorry but I'm not. I'm made to be open and honest and authentic and to always be true to who I have been made to be.
Yes, who I'm made to be is a question of my mind right now. A new role as a mom is shaking me up a bit. I'm headed to new territory and I feel a bit uncertain about it. I know we will be great parents but I have many questions and I'm such a planner. But it's really hard to prepare for something like that. Yes, we can buy all the baby equipment and read the books we think will help, but until we bring that baby home and start living our new roles, there is no way to be adequately prepared.
I think that it's because of these things, that I've been struggling. I'm afraid that our lives will drastically change, and yes they are going to. But that doesn't mean it has to be in a negative way. I don't want to lose myself and one way to not let that happen is always be honest and true to who I am. Aaron's response was, "I fell in love with you, the authentic and honest you. I love you for all that you are and I never want you fitting in any boxes. Always be you!"
We are not perfect. No one on this planet is perfect. I certainly do not walk around trying to pawn myself as a perfect person. I will be completely honest and tell you what I struggle with. And I believe that because Aaron and I are so honest about ourselves and our marriage, it makes us relate able leaders. Even when we don't ask to be in leadership positions, we find ourselves there because they are God appointed and despite what I think, we have great influence. I have often argued that it's because of Aaron and his integrity, his influence and his positive attitude that people want to be around us. But I'm beginning to see that it's so much more than that. It's because together, we make a great team. We are honest, open, giving, loving and we never try to act like something we aren't. We daily live out our life mission statement that we wrote before our marriage.
Don't get me wrong. We have our shortcomings, just like everyone else. I, like most women, am very insecure. I never feel comfortable "in my own skin." I am timid and shy. I don't speak up that much, although I am getting better. I tend to be overly concerned about my weight and this whole having to gain weight and doing nothing about it is really rocking my world. I can be moody and picky. Let's be honest, I'm just quirky at times. But... I am loyal, I love BIG, I'm dedicated, I'm protective of those I love, I'm a good listener, I am compassionate, I am giving of my time and resources. I'm God's child. I am truly one special and unique woman.
Our marriage has it's faults too. But it is because of that and how honest we are about those things and how hard we fight to have a good marriage, that we often find ourselves giving relationship advice to other couples. We haven't even hit our 2 year anniversary and we've already given counsel to married and dating couples. We truly have a heart for that and we feel very saddened to hear about marriages that do fall apart. Do we fight? Oh yes we do. Shocking but we can be downright mean and hurtful to each other. We BOTH have tempers and we BOTH hate to feel disrespected. But we always use every fight as an opportunity to learn and grow. Often, a truth about ourselves or a situation will arise in the midst of all the hurt and we find ourselves tearfully clinging to one another and loving each other even more than we did before we even started fighting.
I hate fighting. I am non-confrontational. Aaron is the opposite. But also we love each other so deeply and passionately. We are truly soul mates and there is no one on this planet more perfect for each other.
I don't ever want to lose that authenticity. I don't want to be someone that I'm not. That is why the broken teenage girls and women I deal with at my job for 10 hours a day, like me so much. Because I listen, I am honest, I offer examples from my own life. I do not come into their homes to condemn them for the bad decisions they repeatedly make. I tell them they are validated for the way they feel and try to help them think positiviely about themselves and their situation. I often am perplexed why people will tell Aaron how much they just love me and then I realize this is why. Ultimately, I value and appreciate people who are vulnerable and honest about their own lives. I love to hear their stories about what they struggle with and how they overcame those struggles. Or maybe, they aren't overcoming and there's something I can share to help them. I can relate to them. They are good examples that despite all of our imperfections, we are unique individuals who will always struggle with certain issues. We are not perfect. We will never be perfect. And that is perfectly OK.
I know I tend to be brutally honest. I am a deep thinker. I analyze everything. When I'm happy, I'm happy. When I'm bothered, I'm bothered. When I'm upset, you are going to know about it. I don't hide emotions well. As much as I wish I did, I just can't. I'm not made that way. Maybe I should keep my thoughts to myself. I often wonder this. I don't have an answer to that one. I do know that in my marriage, keeping my thoughts to myself usually does not have a good outcome. I've promised my husband that I will always be honest and I must continue to do so. He may not understand but I'm sharing my thoughts and my feelings. I made a vow to always do this.
Yes, I've had a pretty rough go, emotionally, these past few months. If you've ever been pregnant before, you understand. I'm finding as I read about pregnancy, that most, if not all, of the feelings I've felt are completely normal. This is why pregnant women cling to other pregnant women. We understand what we're all going through. It's the same reason that married couples cling to other couples. We all want to be surrounded by "real" people who are walking through the same situations that we face. That is doing life together. That is making a difference. That is speaking into each others' lives.
I don't want to feel guilty any more for "having a rough go of it." I told my father-in-law last month that I wasn't excited about being pregnant. I felt so guilty afterwards because I felt that I was rejecting a blessing. But in that moment that he asked me, I wasn't excited. Does it mean I'm not excited? No. But on that day, I felt fat, I didn't feel well, we were in the midst of trying to sell the house and build a new one, I was overwhelmed and I wasn't excited. I don't want to feel guilty anymore. I'm realize that it is OK to have these feelings. It's what makes me a normal pregnant woman who has way too much going on in life and in my mind.

And so what is the point of today's blog? I guess it's more of a comfort letter to myself, a reminder that I'm perfectly normal. And as always, I do hope that the inner workings of my mind and my thoughts help encourage someone else. Above all else, I always want my life to be a positive example to others. I always want to be authentic and be true to who I have been made to be.
God has made each of us so unique. There is no one on the planet with our same DNA. Even our child, who shares our DNA, will be a unique individual. We are each one of a kind and special. We ALL have shortcomings and that is OK. It's what you do with those faults that makes the greatest difference.

I know that God loves me in a way that even my adoring husband will never love me. He loves us all in that same way. Each one of us is His favorite. I used to be afraid of God, that every time I messed up, he was gonna beat me on the head with this big stick. Through the years, I've learned so much about His grace and His love. And I've learned that my life has purpose. If it didn't, I would have died 3 and 1/2 years ago when the 18 wheeler crumpled my little car. I do have a purpose and in that purpose includes being a wife and a mom. I know I don't feel qualified for the job but He most certainly thinks so or I wouldn't be pregnant. I may not have the best understanding of faith and trust but that's ok. I'm a deep thinker and no matter how much anyone tries to tell me to just let go, I'm going to think about things. I think about everything. This is how God made me.
I wish He was here in the flesh so I could see Him and embrace Him or even sit in His lap so He could whisper comforting words in my ears. It would make faith and trust so much easier. I know that no matter what we face, He is always right there beside us. Always.

So there you go. Pondering.