I shouldn't do it... I know better. But why do we do it?
Yesterday, Aaron met me at my office iwth lunch from my fav. spot and a surprise. He went shopping for me that morning and picked out several cute dresses for me. We have an event this Friday evening and well what I was going to wear isn't quite going to work. So he went and shopped for me. Now let me tell you, this man has great taste. I'm picky about clothes and my style but I trust him completely to go without me and get something great. And he did just that. It was very thoughtful and a great birthday surprise.
I had dinner with my good friend last night at our little sushi place. She brought me a little cake and a beautiful gift. Seriously, the day ended pretty well and even though it wasn't a huge production of a celebration, I felt celebrated and a little more special.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
Another Birthday... What??
It's weird. Today is my 31st birthday. I remember that as a kid, this age seemed SO OLD. Yet, here I am. I don't feel old. I feel pregnant, but not old.
The weekend was, well interesting. Aaron did take me to the ballet on Friday night. And it was awesome. He enjoyed it to because the Symphony played and the Nashville Children's Choir sang. A midsummer night's dream is comical so the ballet itself was funny. It was a great production. We ran to Cheesecake Factory afterwards because my wacked out taste buds could not decide on anywhere to eat and we split the nachos and piece of cheesecake. It was the first time out of so many times I've eaten there that I have to say, my food was not good. And it wasn't pregnancy induced wacked taste buds. Aaron wasn't happy with the food either. So that was Friday night.
Saturday was just well a typical Saturday except that I actually was lazy and didn't do much of anything. Aaron had a bday dinner planned for me that evening but of course we had crazy weather with tornado watches. So half the peopl cancelled. I understand why they cancelled, it just stinks because after we were seated, I'm watching the weather out the window and it stopped raining. 5 friends joined Aaron and I that night. I appreciate them so much for driving in the rain to help celebrate what really hasn't felt like much of a celebration.
Sunday was busy as usual. Church and then I had a houseful of teenage girls to play makeup on. They are too funny. I didn't mind giving up a whole precious Sunday afternoon because I love doing makeup and they all made me laugh. It was fun.
And here I am on a Monday morning, back at work and feeling a bit sorry for myself. I hate to admit it but I am. I appreciate the FB birthday wishes, I do. I'm just not much of a media person. It feel inpersonal to me. It's exactly why I deleted my Twitter account. I don't want twitter to be the mode of communicating with friends. I appreciate phone calls and even text messages are way more personal than twitter and even FB at times.
Anyways, I guess I just feel that after the big 30, birthdays aren't as important as they are when you're younger. This makes me very sad as birthdays are important to me and it's the day you should celebrate. And what makes it harder, I'm a gift person. I love to give gifts at birthdays and I love to recieve them. It's one of my love languages. So of couse that isn't helping much. Not that I want people to give me gifts... it's the thought that means so much and even birthday cards are meaningful because it means you took the time to go to the store, stand at the display and find a card. I appreciate that.
I still have 6 more months before this baby overshadows everything else by his/her arrival. That's 6 more months to be celebrated on birthdays and anniversaries. (Ours is this Sunday and we won't be able to celebrate... gross)
So I'm feeling a little down today. I don't want to be getting older but I'm thankful that at least I don't feel old, nor do I look old. Birthdays should be special... yet I'm at work. And I know I did a terrible job of celebrating Aaron's special day last month. First trimester craziness. But he did get a killer party and that made me feel better about his actual day being such a bust.
Anyways, so here I am wondering how on earth another year flew by so quickly and feeling a bit down because I feel a bit forgotten. Thank you to those who have helped to make me feel a bit more special.
The weekend was, well interesting. Aaron did take me to the ballet on Friday night. And it was awesome. He enjoyed it to because the Symphony played and the Nashville Children's Choir sang. A midsummer night's dream is comical so the ballet itself was funny. It was a great production. We ran to Cheesecake Factory afterwards because my wacked out taste buds could not decide on anywhere to eat and we split the nachos and piece of cheesecake. It was the first time out of so many times I've eaten there that I have to say, my food was not good. And it wasn't pregnancy induced wacked taste buds. Aaron wasn't happy with the food either. So that was Friday night.
Saturday was just well a typical Saturday except that I actually was lazy and didn't do much of anything. Aaron had a bday dinner planned for me that evening but of course we had crazy weather with tornado watches. So half the peopl cancelled. I understand why they cancelled, it just stinks because after we were seated, I'm watching the weather out the window and it stopped raining. 5 friends joined Aaron and I that night. I appreciate them so much for driving in the rain to help celebrate what really hasn't felt like much of a celebration.
Sunday was busy as usual. Church and then I had a houseful of teenage girls to play makeup on. They are too funny. I didn't mind giving up a whole precious Sunday afternoon because I love doing makeup and they all made me laugh. It was fun.
And here I am on a Monday morning, back at work and feeling a bit sorry for myself. I hate to admit it but I am. I appreciate the FB birthday wishes, I do. I'm just not much of a media person. It feel inpersonal to me. It's exactly why I deleted my Twitter account. I don't want twitter to be the mode of communicating with friends. I appreciate phone calls and even text messages are way more personal than twitter and even FB at times.
Anyways, I guess I just feel that after the big 30, birthdays aren't as important as they are when you're younger. This makes me very sad as birthdays are important to me and it's the day you should celebrate. And what makes it harder, I'm a gift person. I love to give gifts at birthdays and I love to recieve them. It's one of my love languages. So of couse that isn't helping much. Not that I want people to give me gifts... it's the thought that means so much and even birthday cards are meaningful because it means you took the time to go to the store, stand at the display and find a card. I appreciate that.
I still have 6 more months before this baby overshadows everything else by his/her arrival. That's 6 more months to be celebrated on birthdays and anniversaries. (Ours is this Sunday and we won't be able to celebrate... gross)
So I'm feeling a little down today. I don't want to be getting older but I'm thankful that at least I don't feel old, nor do I look old. Birthdays should be special... yet I'm at work. And I know I did a terrible job of celebrating Aaron's special day last month. First trimester craziness. But he did get a killer party and that made me feel better about his actual day being such a bust.
Anyways, so here I am wondering how on earth another year flew by so quickly and feeling a bit down because I feel a bit forgotten. Thank you to those who have helped to make me feel a bit more special.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Ponderings of my mind...
I had a tearful conversation with my husband last night. Of course I was the one crying, while he was lovingly comforting me. I'm going to share some of that conversation.
I mentioned before how I just feel "lost", not myself and I'm beginning to realize it's because I'm trying to fit into boxes that were not designed for me. No matter how hard I push and cram myself into these boxes, I'm not going to fit. I'm not made to be put in a box. I'm sorry but I'm not. I'm made to be open and honest and authentic and to always be true to who I have been made to be.
Yes, who I'm made to be is a question of my mind right now. A new role as a mom is shaking me up a bit. I'm headed to new territory and I feel a bit uncertain about it. I know we will be great parents but I have many questions and I'm such a planner. But it's really hard to prepare for something like that. Yes, we can buy all the baby equipment and read the books we think will help, but until we bring that baby home and start living our new roles, there is no way to be adequately prepared.
I think that it's because of these things, that I've been struggling. I'm afraid that our lives will drastically change, and yes they are going to. But that doesn't mean it has to be in a negative way. I don't want to lose myself and one way to not let that happen is always be honest and true to who I am. Aaron's response was, "I fell in love with you, the authentic and honest you. I love you for all that you are and I never want you fitting in any boxes. Always be you!"
We are not perfect. No one on this planet is perfect. I certainly do not walk around trying to pawn myself as a perfect person. I will be completely honest and tell you what I struggle with. And I believe that because Aaron and I are so honest about ourselves and our marriage, it makes us relate able leaders. Even when we don't ask to be in leadership positions, we find ourselves there because they are God appointed and despite what I think, we have great influence. I have often argued that it's because of Aaron and his integrity, his influence and his positive attitude that people want to be around us. But I'm beginning to see that it's so much more than that. It's because together, we make a great team. We are honest, open, giving, loving and we never try to act like something we aren't. We daily live out our life mission statement that we wrote before our marriage.
Don't get me wrong. We have our shortcomings, just like everyone else. I, like most women, am very insecure. I never feel comfortable "in my own skin." I am timid and shy. I don't speak up that much, although I am getting better. I tend to be overly concerned about my weight and this whole having to gain weight and doing nothing about it is really rocking my world. I can be moody and picky. Let's be honest, I'm just quirky at times. But... I am loyal, I love BIG, I'm dedicated, I'm protective of those I love, I'm a good listener, I am compassionate, I am giving of my time and resources. I'm God's child. I am truly one special and unique woman.
Our marriage has it's faults too. But it is because of that and how honest we are about those things and how hard we fight to have a good marriage, that we often find ourselves giving relationship advice to other couples. We haven't even hit our 2 year anniversary and we've already given counsel to married and dating couples. We truly have a heart for that and we feel very saddened to hear about marriages that do fall apart. Do we fight? Oh yes we do. Shocking but we can be downright mean and hurtful to each other. We BOTH have tempers and we BOTH hate to feel disrespected. But we always use every fight as an opportunity to learn and grow. Often, a truth about ourselves or a situation will arise in the midst of all the hurt and we find ourselves tearfully clinging to one another and loving each other even more than we did before we even started fighting.
I hate fighting. I am non-confrontational. Aaron is the opposite. But also we love each other so deeply and passionately. We are truly soul mates and there is no one on this planet more perfect for each other.
I don't ever want to lose that authenticity. I don't want to be someone that I'm not. That is why the broken teenage girls and women I deal with at my job for 10 hours a day, like me so much. Because I listen, I am honest, I offer examples from my own life. I do not come into their homes to condemn them for the bad decisions they repeatedly make. I tell them they are validated for the way they feel and try to help them think positiviely about themselves and their situation. I often am perplexed why people will tell Aaron how much they just love me and then I realize this is why. Ultimately, I value and appreciate people who are vulnerable and honest about their own lives. I love to hear their stories about what they struggle with and how they overcame those struggles. Or maybe, they aren't overcoming and there's something I can share to help them. I can relate to them. They are good examples that despite all of our imperfections, we are unique individuals who will always struggle with certain issues. We are not perfect. We will never be perfect. And that is perfectly OK.
I know I tend to be brutally honest. I am a deep thinker. I analyze everything. When I'm happy, I'm happy. When I'm bothered, I'm bothered. When I'm upset, you are going to know about it. I don't hide emotions well. As much as I wish I did, I just can't. I'm not made that way. Maybe I should keep my thoughts to myself. I often wonder this. I don't have an answer to that one. I do know that in my marriage, keeping my thoughts to myself usually does not have a good outcome. I've promised my husband that I will always be honest and I must continue to do so. He may not understand but I'm sharing my thoughts and my feelings. I made a vow to always do this.
Yes, I've had a pretty rough go, emotionally, these past few months. If you've ever been pregnant before, you understand. I'm finding as I read about pregnancy, that most, if not all, of the feelings I've felt are completely normal. This is why pregnant women cling to other pregnant women. We understand what we're all going through. It's the same reason that married couples cling to other couples. We all want to be surrounded by "real" people who are walking through the same situations that we face. That is doing life together. That is making a difference. That is speaking into each others' lives.
I don't want to feel guilty any more for "having a rough go of it." I told my father-in-law last month that I wasn't excited about being pregnant. I felt so guilty afterwards because I felt that I was rejecting a blessing. But in that moment that he asked me, I wasn't excited. Does it mean I'm not excited? No. But on that day, I felt fat, I didn't feel well, we were in the midst of trying to sell the house and build a new one, I was overwhelmed and I wasn't excited. I don't want to feel guilty anymore. I'm realize that it is OK to have these feelings. It's what makes me a normal pregnant woman who has way too much going on in life and in my mind.
And so what is the point of today's blog? I guess it's more of a comfort letter to myself, a reminder that I'm perfectly normal. And as always, I do hope that the inner workings of my mind and my thoughts help encourage someone else. Above all else, I always want my life to be a positive example to others. I always want to be authentic and be true to who I have been made to be.
God has made each of us so unique. There is no one on the planet with our same DNA. Even our child, who shares our DNA, will be a unique individual. We are each one of a kind and special. We ALL have shortcomings and that is OK. It's what you do with those faults that makes the greatest difference.
I know that God loves me in a way that even my adoring husband will never love me. He loves us all in that same way. Each one of us is His favorite. I used to be afraid of God, that every time I messed up, he was gonna beat me on the head with this big stick. Through the years, I've learned so much about His grace and His love. And I've learned that my life has purpose. If it didn't, I would have died 3 and 1/2 years ago when the 18 wheeler crumpled my little car. I do have a purpose and in that purpose includes being a wife and a mom. I know I don't feel qualified for the job but He most certainly thinks so or I wouldn't be pregnant. I may not have the best understanding of faith and trust but that's ok. I'm a deep thinker and no matter how much anyone tries to tell me to just let go, I'm going to think about things. I think about everything. This is how God made me.
I wish He was here in the flesh so I could see Him and embrace Him or even sit in His lap so He could whisper comforting words in my ears. It would make faith and trust so much easier. I know that no matter what we face, He is always right there beside us. Always.
So there you go. Pondering.
I mentioned before how I just feel "lost", not myself and I'm beginning to realize it's because I'm trying to fit into boxes that were not designed for me. No matter how hard I push and cram myself into these boxes, I'm not going to fit. I'm not made to be put in a box. I'm sorry but I'm not. I'm made to be open and honest and authentic and to always be true to who I have been made to be.
Yes, who I'm made to be is a question of my mind right now. A new role as a mom is shaking me up a bit. I'm headed to new territory and I feel a bit uncertain about it. I know we will be great parents but I have many questions and I'm such a planner. But it's really hard to prepare for something like that. Yes, we can buy all the baby equipment and read the books we think will help, but until we bring that baby home and start living our new roles, there is no way to be adequately prepared.
I think that it's because of these things, that I've been struggling. I'm afraid that our lives will drastically change, and yes they are going to. But that doesn't mean it has to be in a negative way. I don't want to lose myself and one way to not let that happen is always be honest and true to who I am. Aaron's response was, "I fell in love with you, the authentic and honest you. I love you for all that you are and I never want you fitting in any boxes. Always be you!"
We are not perfect. No one on this planet is perfect. I certainly do not walk around trying to pawn myself as a perfect person. I will be completely honest and tell you what I struggle with. And I believe that because Aaron and I are so honest about ourselves and our marriage, it makes us relate able leaders. Even when we don't ask to be in leadership positions, we find ourselves there because they are God appointed and despite what I think, we have great influence. I have often argued that it's because of Aaron and his integrity, his influence and his positive attitude that people want to be around us. But I'm beginning to see that it's so much more than that. It's because together, we make a great team. We are honest, open, giving, loving and we never try to act like something we aren't. We daily live out our life mission statement that we wrote before our marriage.
Don't get me wrong. We have our shortcomings, just like everyone else. I, like most women, am very insecure. I never feel comfortable "in my own skin." I am timid and shy. I don't speak up that much, although I am getting better. I tend to be overly concerned about my weight and this whole having to gain weight and doing nothing about it is really rocking my world. I can be moody and picky. Let's be honest, I'm just quirky at times. But... I am loyal, I love BIG, I'm dedicated, I'm protective of those I love, I'm a good listener, I am compassionate, I am giving of my time and resources. I'm God's child. I am truly one special and unique woman.
Our marriage has it's faults too. But it is because of that and how honest we are about those things and how hard we fight to have a good marriage, that we often find ourselves giving relationship advice to other couples. We haven't even hit our 2 year anniversary and we've already given counsel to married and dating couples. We truly have a heart for that and we feel very saddened to hear about marriages that do fall apart. Do we fight? Oh yes we do. Shocking but we can be downright mean and hurtful to each other. We BOTH have tempers and we BOTH hate to feel disrespected. But we always use every fight as an opportunity to learn and grow. Often, a truth about ourselves or a situation will arise in the midst of all the hurt and we find ourselves tearfully clinging to one another and loving each other even more than we did before we even started fighting.
I hate fighting. I am non-confrontational. Aaron is the opposite. But also we love each other so deeply and passionately. We are truly soul mates and there is no one on this planet more perfect for each other.
I don't ever want to lose that authenticity. I don't want to be someone that I'm not. That is why the broken teenage girls and women I deal with at my job for 10 hours a day, like me so much. Because I listen, I am honest, I offer examples from my own life. I do not come into their homes to condemn them for the bad decisions they repeatedly make. I tell them they are validated for the way they feel and try to help them think positiviely about themselves and their situation. I often am perplexed why people will tell Aaron how much they just love me and then I realize this is why. Ultimately, I value and appreciate people who are vulnerable and honest about their own lives. I love to hear their stories about what they struggle with and how they overcame those struggles. Or maybe, they aren't overcoming and there's something I can share to help them. I can relate to them. They are good examples that despite all of our imperfections, we are unique individuals who will always struggle with certain issues. We are not perfect. We will never be perfect. And that is perfectly OK.
I know I tend to be brutally honest. I am a deep thinker. I analyze everything. When I'm happy, I'm happy. When I'm bothered, I'm bothered. When I'm upset, you are going to know about it. I don't hide emotions well. As much as I wish I did, I just can't. I'm not made that way. Maybe I should keep my thoughts to myself. I often wonder this. I don't have an answer to that one. I do know that in my marriage, keeping my thoughts to myself usually does not have a good outcome. I've promised my husband that I will always be honest and I must continue to do so. He may not understand but I'm sharing my thoughts and my feelings. I made a vow to always do this.
Yes, I've had a pretty rough go, emotionally, these past few months. If you've ever been pregnant before, you understand. I'm finding as I read about pregnancy, that most, if not all, of the feelings I've felt are completely normal. This is why pregnant women cling to other pregnant women. We understand what we're all going through. It's the same reason that married couples cling to other couples. We all want to be surrounded by "real" people who are walking through the same situations that we face. That is doing life together. That is making a difference. That is speaking into each others' lives.
I don't want to feel guilty any more for "having a rough go of it." I told my father-in-law last month that I wasn't excited about being pregnant. I felt so guilty afterwards because I felt that I was rejecting a blessing. But in that moment that he asked me, I wasn't excited. Does it mean I'm not excited? No. But on that day, I felt fat, I didn't feel well, we were in the midst of trying to sell the house and build a new one, I was overwhelmed and I wasn't excited. I don't want to feel guilty anymore. I'm realize that it is OK to have these feelings. It's what makes me a normal pregnant woman who has way too much going on in life and in my mind.
And so what is the point of today's blog? I guess it's more of a comfort letter to myself, a reminder that I'm perfectly normal. And as always, I do hope that the inner workings of my mind and my thoughts help encourage someone else. Above all else, I always want my life to be a positive example to others. I always want to be authentic and be true to who I have been made to be.
God has made each of us so unique. There is no one on the planet with our same DNA. Even our child, who shares our DNA, will be a unique individual. We are each one of a kind and special. We ALL have shortcomings and that is OK. It's what you do with those faults that makes the greatest difference.
I know that God loves me in a way that even my adoring husband will never love me. He loves us all in that same way. Each one of us is His favorite. I used to be afraid of God, that every time I messed up, he was gonna beat me on the head with this big stick. Through the years, I've learned so much about His grace and His love. And I've learned that my life has purpose. If it didn't, I would have died 3 and 1/2 years ago when the 18 wheeler crumpled my little car. I do have a purpose and in that purpose includes being a wife and a mom. I know I don't feel qualified for the job but He most certainly thinks so or I wouldn't be pregnant. I may not have the best understanding of faith and trust but that's ok. I'm a deep thinker and no matter how much anyone tries to tell me to just let go, I'm going to think about things. I think about everything. This is how God made me.
I wish He was here in the flesh so I could see Him and embrace Him or even sit in His lap so He could whisper comforting words in my ears. It would make faith and trust so much easier. I know that no matter what we face, He is always right there beside us. Always.
So there you go. Pondering.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
12 weeks and counting...
Well here we are at 12 weeks preggers. I'm heading towards my second trimester and I must say that I've had it kind of easy...physically. No, I haven't been puking in the toilet or had morning sickness. I don't want to eat peanut butter and pickles together (gross). I am starting to have a pregnancy glow (what does that even mean). But emotionally, this is a trip. Seriously, I'm all over the place. I've never felt such strong feelings of discontent or sadness or frustration. It's so weird. I should be happy all the time, right? Yeah, that's not happening. And it's not that I'm not happy we are bringing a baby into the world. I just get overwhelmed by the never ending list of preparations and let's be honest, I'm going to be a mom! That's so scary. How do I know what to do? Will I be a good mom or am I going to screw up my children and pass on issues that were passed on to me? Will we be able to provide for our child? Will our baby be safe? How will our dog react to this new little life? My mind just never stops thinking about all of these things. It's really loud in there and there are many monuments where I just want to scream, "SHUT UP!" but then people will think I'm even more crazy because I'm yelling at myself.
I know you aren't supposed to pick up a new physical activity but I started running again. I was in decent shape before getting pregnant and even though I hadn't been running right when it happened, I love it too much to put it off for another year. And with that, I've begun. Slowly but surely... I'm making it. And I love every minute. If there is one moment that I truly feel amazing about being pregnant, it's when I'm running. I can't explain it, it's the best feeling in the world. Even though I get winded faster and I tend to get hotter I still feel amazing. It's something about running, knowing the baby is in my womb and he/she is feeling those endorphins and is comforted by my increased heart rate. It's just exhilarating.
I am trying to think how I can keep up the running over the summer months. Right now, the weather is perfect so no worries about getting too hot but in the summer, not so much. I would love to think I can get up before work but..................
I'm having very difficult emotions about getting "fat." That's exactly what it looks like, I've eaten way too many doughnuts. I hate doughnuts. But i have this jiggly pooch that just squishes out the top of my pants. It's really gross. I guess I'm headed to the maternity section... at 12 weeks!!!!
My sweet adoring husband tell me I look so pretty pregnant. I certainly don't feel it!!!
Eating healthy has never been so easy, it's all I want to eat. I typically never eat red meat but I have eaten several steaks off the grill in the past few weeks. Yummy. I hate chicken right now. I can't even look at it. It's disgusting. So funny how all of your likes/dislikes change when you are pregnant. :)
To be completely honest, I have been in a weird place of discontent and questioning. I have been putting off having the frank discussions with God that I know need to happen. I'm not sure why I am avoiding Him. I think I'm just frustrated and although He hold the answers to all my questions, I don't want to ask. Maybe I don't want to hear the answers or maybe it's easier to just ignore Him than to deal with the reality of what's going on. I'm not really sure but there are moments when I feel extremely insignificant and unimportant to Him. This couldn't be further from the truth but it's just easier to believee that. Fatigue and pregnancy hormones only magnify the whole thing and I feel lost at times. I feel like I've lost me and I'm not myself. I know pregnant women love sharing their bodies with the new life growing inside. The only times I ever enjoy sharing my body is when I'm out running. I'm just too selfish. I have to eat when I'm hungry and sleep when I'm tired and go pee when it hits... there's no putting any of these things off anymore. My body demands I comply and quite frankly, I don't like being told what to do.
I know the most important thing for me to be doing right now is the one thing I'm avoiding the most. I don't want to talk to Him about it all. I feel guilty for not being grateful that I've had it so easy this pregnancy. And some couples try forever to get pregnant and here we barely tried... I question my own abilities to be a good mother and provider and I don't like feeling uncertain about my new role. I do feel uncertain, and scared. For real, like petrified.
We got an offer on the house in less than a week but "stuff" happened and we are unable to move now. I feel somewhat relieved and I'm angry. I'm angy for many reasons but mostly because I'm so protective of my husband and I hate to see how hard he works and then get disappointed. I have to believe the whole situation, which I can't really explain, is a blessing and just trust that something amazing will be blowing us away. In the meantime, I'm freaking out a little.
There's just so much to sort through and I'm thankful to have a supportive husband who is praying for me every day. I don't know what I would do without him because he believes in me and he sees my potential. He truly is such a blessing to my life.
Anyways, I'm off to work on the huge pile of charts sitting on my desk. I just keep putting them off as well.
I know you aren't supposed to pick up a new physical activity but I started running again. I was in decent shape before getting pregnant and even though I hadn't been running right when it happened, I love it too much to put it off for another year. And with that, I've begun. Slowly but surely... I'm making it. And I love every minute. If there is one moment that I truly feel amazing about being pregnant, it's when I'm running. I can't explain it, it's the best feeling in the world. Even though I get winded faster and I tend to get hotter I still feel amazing. It's something about running, knowing the baby is in my womb and he/she is feeling those endorphins and is comforted by my increased heart rate. It's just exhilarating.
I am trying to think how I can keep up the running over the summer months. Right now, the weather is perfect so no worries about getting too hot but in the summer, not so much. I would love to think I can get up before work but..................
I'm having very difficult emotions about getting "fat." That's exactly what it looks like, I've eaten way too many doughnuts. I hate doughnuts. But i have this jiggly pooch that just squishes out the top of my pants. It's really gross. I guess I'm headed to the maternity section... at 12 weeks!!!!
My sweet adoring husband tell me I look so pretty pregnant. I certainly don't feel it!!!
Eating healthy has never been so easy, it's all I want to eat. I typically never eat red meat but I have eaten several steaks off the grill in the past few weeks. Yummy. I hate chicken right now. I can't even look at it. It's disgusting. So funny how all of your likes/dislikes change when you are pregnant. :)
To be completely honest, I have been in a weird place of discontent and questioning. I have been putting off having the frank discussions with God that I know need to happen. I'm not sure why I am avoiding Him. I think I'm just frustrated and although He hold the answers to all my questions, I don't want to ask. Maybe I don't want to hear the answers or maybe it's easier to just ignore Him than to deal with the reality of what's going on. I'm not really sure but there are moments when I feel extremely insignificant and unimportant to Him. This couldn't be further from the truth but it's just easier to believee that. Fatigue and pregnancy hormones only magnify the whole thing and I feel lost at times. I feel like I've lost me and I'm not myself. I know pregnant women love sharing their bodies with the new life growing inside. The only times I ever enjoy sharing my body is when I'm out running. I'm just too selfish. I have to eat when I'm hungry and sleep when I'm tired and go pee when it hits... there's no putting any of these things off anymore. My body demands I comply and quite frankly, I don't like being told what to do.
I know the most important thing for me to be doing right now is the one thing I'm avoiding the most. I don't want to talk to Him about it all. I feel guilty for not being grateful that I've had it so easy this pregnancy. And some couples try forever to get pregnant and here we barely tried... I question my own abilities to be a good mother and provider and I don't like feeling uncertain about my new role. I do feel uncertain, and scared. For real, like petrified.
We got an offer on the house in less than a week but "stuff" happened and we are unable to move now. I feel somewhat relieved and I'm angry. I'm angy for many reasons but mostly because I'm so protective of my husband and I hate to see how hard he works and then get disappointed. I have to believe the whole situation, which I can't really explain, is a blessing and just trust that something amazing will be blowing us away. In the meantime, I'm freaking out a little.
There's just so much to sort through and I'm thankful to have a supportive husband who is praying for me every day. I don't know what I would do without him because he believes in me and he sees my potential. He truly is such a blessing to my life.
Anyways, I'm off to work on the huge pile of charts sitting on my desk. I just keep putting them off as well.
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